By Annmarie Early

Jesus spent 40 days being severely tested in a true desert near his home.  Without food and water, exposed to the harsh elements, he faced the tasks set before him—the ultimate show down with his ego.  Brought before him, when his defenses were the lowest, were the power, glory, safety, and security of the best that the world could offer.  We often read the scriptures as if they were little tests that he had to perform, but these were soul wrenching, life abandoning challenges that stripped him to the bone.  The world, literally, was offered to him, and he had to face himself, not some external devil standing on a rock tempting him, but what lay below the surface within him writhing and grasping, and stand in YES.

 My reading of the scriptures has often stayed “out there” as I watch the happenings in the stories that leap off the page.  “That was Jesus, he is god, that’s something to observe not to personally engage.” But, we all have our own desert experience before the grip of the ego lets go of the life it has crafted for us. The ego is our devil and the temptation to hold on to what we have and what we think we are and what we’ve created and what we know—it is a vice grip about the throat threatening death if we surrender.

 I haven’t spent 40 days in any desert like the stripping one of Jesus, but I’ll claim a sandbox and the ego that rises within me when life doesn’t unfold the way I “thought” it would. Temptations are subtle in my sandbox where I begin telling myself stories about how life should be and what I deserve. Things cross my path like someone complimenting me or noticing me and my ego rises and says, “See, there, you are special and important, Annmarie” The ego within me starts to parade ease and comforts before my eyes and whispers messages to settle and relax, “Haven’t you worked enough already? Why don’t we just coast from here.”  And, the ego creates us and them dilemmas where I am almost always in the right and someone else in the wrong.  That is, unless it is chastising me for doing something wrong and demanding perfection next time, “See what you are really like?”

 Oh, yes, it comes in from every side. Subtle and loud.  Angry and cloying.  Noticeable and whisper quiet.  And, honestly, it’s been by my side for a long time and those voices have got me up and moving out of some radically challenging situations.  Companion on the journey, yes.  Constant, yes.  Noticeable, not always.

 When I meet the ego with force or resistance it just gets louder or goes quiet and becomes more subtle—simply meaning that it takes a new form that I won’t so quickly notice. When I realize that I am in my sandbox and I can also raise awareness to the patterning that I am noticing. From within my sandbox, legs crossed and quietly settled, the ego is more like a scared rabbit afraid of what I might do. It really feels like I am going to destroy things.  With my hand dug deep in the sand, I begin to feel the sand flowing through my fingers as it falls through my finger cracks, back down into the box that holds it. “It’s going to be ok. This is what we’ve been yearning for.  Relax and let go.  Pick up some sand and play with me.”

 A few plastic toys to build sand castles, some water to mold, and the joy of crashing it down at the end for nothing lasts forever.  As I sit in my sandbox I am learning to play with my life. Something builds me, I delight and enjoy, it crumbles back into the all that is to take shape once again in creation—the ongoing dawn of true living.