By Annmarie Early

I caught a stomach bug the other day and was flat out in bed—grounded from the full day ahead that I “thought” I needed to engage.  It caught me by surprise because I was so careful after my husband was in bed the week before and I was sure I had artfully avoided it with herbs and tending. But no, at 2am it arrived.

 I don’t like illness (I don’t think anyone does), but this time I had a different relationship with my quarantine. Maybe for the first time in my life, I was completely present to what was arising in the moment (and there was a lot) rather than fighting against it or wishing I was somewhere else—either in the past being more careful or ahead a few days in the present when I was well.  Rather than resisting, I just was. 

 No part of me will try to convince you that I was comfortable or blissed out.  I had stomach flu and it made itself present to me in deeply embodied ways.  I was there, however, in my bed (or in the bathroom).  And there I was.

 I noticed it again the following day when I had to make an unexpected trip to the airport with my mother—2 hours up and 2 hours back, with an hour in between—5 unexpected hours on the road.  Typically, I would think about being elsewhere or wishing circumstances were different.  But not today.  I was still on the mend from sickness and had other “plans” for my day, but I was simply with what was arising and it was fine.  Sure, I was in circumstances.  But, truthfully, that is all I am in anyway.  Circumstances.  Where I am in relationship to circumstances is the issue.

 My husband said to me when I walked through the door, “How are you, really?” and I answered, “Honestly, just fine. They were just circumstances.”  There had actually been a delightful unfolding for making the passage out of town occur and timing was perfect down to the minute, but that wasn’t what it was about.  I was just present to what was and that was and that was where I was at. And then I was home.

 Our relationship to circumstances is part of the key for living more awake.  No longer are we held captive by the dream narrative of what and how things should be.  When we, or I, change my relationship to circumstances, I am more present in the unfolding moment and then I am simply present.  When I am present, the true Me, not my personality, has space to breathe and honestly, she (the larger me) is fine with what is. What she (the larger me) wants is to live more fully in this moment, now, for that is the only place true life can be lived.

 Take a step back from your circumstances and see if there is a small crack in the façade of your life that is calling to you.  Might there be a place where you feel your fullness even in the midst of challenge or disappointment?  Can you feel you despite the unsettling or upset that might be named by the story of what is happening?  This isn’t a bypass of pain or an avoidance of what is.  Rather, it is a truth about what you are and how we are all meant to live. 

 There is no moment but this one in the here and now—right now–  this is where you begin.  There is no moment but this one.  Be fully present in what is arising in this now and from here find your first breadcrumb that will lead you back to what you truly are.